Goodbye, 2019. Don't let the door hit you on the way out!

What a horrible, awful, no good year 2019 was!

I would like to start 2020 positively, but to do so, I have to take measure of what exactly I lived through in 2019. Indulge me for a moment in this timeline:

January: This was a good month. Joe and I were doing Whole30, I was not drinking, and I was bullet journaling regularly. I was also starting a new Master's program, "Health Communication." I had two classes- Social Construction and Statistics. I instantly fell in love with my new major. Even though the material proved daunting, I did pretty well in my classes.

February: Trucking along with Whole30, not drinking, working out regularly and enjoying my classes.

March: This is when it hits the fan. The weather starts to improve, but my aging parent's health starts to decline. The day after my darling nephew's birthday party, my mother, Mary, enters the hospital for a lung biopsy. She had been diagnosed with COPD and Lung cancer 2 years before. The lung cancer had gone into remission, but we all feared it had returned. While she is under anesthesia for her biopsy, one of her lungs collapse. She is admitted to hospital. She will not be leaving the hospital alive.

April: As I start my second quarter of this new Master's program, my sisters and I take turns with my father taking care of my mother at the hospital. While they do their best to get her lungs functional again, we all work to keep our own lives going and also care for our father, who is starting to show signs of personal health struggles as well. My mother fights very hard in the hospital, but alas, she contracts pneumonia and an E. Coli infection. She succumbs to the pressure on her lungs. We were fortunate to get her into Hospice and have many of her family come visit her before she passed. Her children were there when she crossed over. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of this moment.

May: We attend my cousin's wedding in Dallas in late April and it is very fun. My mother was always the life of the party. She looked amazing and was a great dancer. She loved catching up with her family and friends. When my father and mother took the dance floor, they waltzed like a beautiful set of figures that belonged together. In fact, they would have celebrated their 54th wedding anniversary in 2019. There was a sudden winter blizzard in Chicago, and my little family got "trapped" in warm, sunny Dallas. We actually had a wonderful little mini-vacation. It was so nice to be with my husband and our two year old son who proved to be a terrific traveler. There was a lot of money spent, but it was worth it to catch our breath.
I struggled with my spring classes, which were proving difficult to keep up with after my mother's death. I ended up getting less than stellar grades, and I had to "prove" myself over the summer. Thankfully, I had the most amazing professor's who helped me through this ordeal.
Later on in the month, I traveled with my sisters and aunts to see Cher in St. Louis on Mother's Day. What a hoot! We had a great time and on Mother's day, I was celebrated by my husband and little one. I missed celebrating my Mom, but knew she would be happy knowing we had a good time. I have a dream about a Red Japanese Maple Tree in the backyard, and decide I must plant one. I didn't know at the time that this would be a saving grace for me in the tough months ahead.

June: My father decides to go to the doctor has breathing and swallowing are becoming more and more difficult. He is admitted and has an emergency tracheotomy the next day. With the trach, he is rendered without speech functions. He is diagnosed with throat cancer, (which is father died of) and scheduled for more surgeries immediately, followed by radiation. My sisters and I once again are taking shifts at the hospital. I laugh to myself that he is lucky he has four daughters to share the task. Since I am the one that lives closest and at the time wasn't working, (I had since quit my job as a VIPKid Tutor) I spent a lot of time at the hospital, and then helping him recover at home. I was the "care manager" for his needs, which were many. I also had experience with g-tubes, non-verbal communication and overall health management which were all key in this situation. I spent my nights drinking wine and zoning out. I took two classes over the summer, and they helped distract me but were also quite difficult. You can see copies of my presentations, some that were completed during this class by clicking here.

July: July was a complete blur. There was a lot of home care, people visiting, taking care of my father and our garden. I had redone the garden to the best of my ability given a small space, 1 set of "helping" two year old hands, and a very limited budget. I did get to plant my tree, which always gave me great joy. JT and I would spend our mornings in the back yard, and I would spend my afternoons with my father while JT napped. I was also balancing my school work.

August: My father would have two more surgeries, and then we were going to begin radiation in September. He never required the amount of care we were expecting. Somehow, he continually showed us just how strong he was! We spent so much time together, and I was the base of knowledge regarding his health and treatments. Looking back, I realize now that my Master's program in Health Communication would have been vastly different had my  circumstances been "normal" in any capacity.

September: A sense of normalcy really kicks in as I go back to class one time a week and the school year starts up. JT is now 3 years old and attends a pre-school for 2.5 hours in the afternoon. The preschool is 8 miles/30 minutes away from the house, meaning it is a 16 mile round trip. It would be silly for me to drive all the way out there only to drive home immediately, so I join the gym near his school and take advantage of the library as well. It is a good thing as I am back in school and still "proving" myself. This does mean, however, I do not get to care for my father as much as I would like. Gladly, my niece takes over most of the caring and my sister drives our father to his daily radiation appointments, which are also 30 minutes away, albeit in the complete opposite direction.

October: The excitement of Halloween is great. It is our favorite holiday, and even though we are very broke, we have a wonderful, snowy time. My father does not appear to react very poorly to the radiation, although with the change in weather and his health he appears more and more tired.

November: The excitement turns to dread as the holidays start to rear their festive heads. Emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually I am not ready to celebrate anything. I do only as much as I can. I realize the house won't always be as clean as I want, and that my homework won't be as researched and nuanced as I would like. I realize how grateful I am that I had the time and energy to devote to my family during this most difficult year. I don't look forward to any get togethers, just New Year's Eve when this nightmare will be over.

December: Joe throws me a wonderful 40th birthday surprise party at the amazing Baobob restaurant. My best friends and some family come to celebrate. My father is there, and he celebrates too. I know he is tired, and also he has to use a whiteboard to communicate. Somehow, he manages to still make people laugh their butts off when he says something trademark hilarious. Christmas is... fine. I'm just glad it's over. JT loves his lego table from Santa, and I enjoy my husband being home for the holidays. We have a wonderful New Year's Eve, and the turning of the calendar page makes me think if I can get through 2019, I can get through just about anything!